The Salo(o)n

As performed at the March Salo(o)n.
To be read in haste, with quick breaths, slowing only to sing the Goodnight Irene phrases. If you have one of those big dried beans (or other good rattler) grab hold of it and shake it maniacally every so often throughout. maybe put on a kimono. or a smoking jacket.

It may have all started with the race to get laid – failed Mexican mission ending in defeat; dirty Chinese on Hastings, 5 a.m.
Or it may have been by the time we were fishing for halibut in the fallout of Victoria’s sewage, all sun and crystal waters on top,
But certainly by the time I was eating Betty Crocker lemon cake and lime sherbet with an ex lover and his offensive new 70 year-old manservant/lover things had gotten way beyond control…
Stay awake until 5 am, it’s a worthwhile distraction
A friend hanging up in frustration
Interview & hire 54 people by month’s end
A fire on the Africa dance floor; don’t stop, don’t stop, don’t stop…smiling heart
Plan week-long orientation sessions for 150 people province-wide.
Today I made my mother cry
“Hi, this is Erin Kendall with the BC Conservation Foundation, I’m calling about…”
8 at night, interviewing on Ativan to still my beating heart
Heart’s not broken, blood still flows – anger and hurt pump through unbidden

Irene goodnight Irene, Irene goodnight…

Bus load of Quebecers moving crew; 3 years of reno dust – move it, move it.
3 months of heartache, stick it in the oven…
How many lemon poppyseed loaves will it take? Better make 4 for the wedding cake, the guests will need 16.
“Dear Assistant Deputy Minister of the Environment: we fulfill all of these mandates with all of these great people…why not forward us $200,000 before March 31st and we’ll keep up the good work?” (we got the money)

Closing Main street on a Sunday, then Mihirangi. Maybe she’ll invite us for a ménage with Paul Watson…hot…
Smug mountain man in Holt Renfrew boots…I left a shotgun bullet in the bed, whoops.
How many crew cabs, sat phones, laptops, cel phones and GPS’ will we need?
“Can you tell me about your backcountry experience?”
…I know! Why not have all the ladies over for a clothes swap?

Irene goodnight Irene, Irene goodnight

Meet about the house…what do you mean I’ll be the last one left?
Relief at the hands of Lolo – broken body a little less hard
Interview, interview, interview. Stop.
Now savvy Salo(o)niere: CBC interview for comedic pilot. What do they talk about at the Salo(o)n anyhow? What have you found most shocking? Sexy doughnut poetry. Metal vegetables.
Pneumonia. Bronchitis. Fluorescent phlegm. Fucking Devil Wears Prada. Surely wine can put us out of this misery sooner rather than later…
“I’m calling for a reference for…”
We are nearing Tsawassen terminal.
Green eggs will be fuel for deciding the fate of Pandora street. Saturday salmon omelette. Hi Geordie…
Erin, it’s Ryan…I’m FUCKED! Can’t borrow money against the house; I have to sell NOW…I’m putting my share up on Craig’s List (!!!)

Erin, are you going to get those budgets to us?
Buddhist teachings on cd between here and Cloverdale, cow town. Reluctant fuel pump. Slow brain. It sounds like a good idea…
Isn’t it time to do some taxes?
Sigh. Hi. Wedding reunion orbits whinging past

Irene Goodnight Irene…

Lunatic Fringe tells me he noticed I’m a bit of a slob – looks like a bunch of hippies live here. Estrogen-crazed cleaning fit – days – think he’ll notice that the kitchen ceiling fan is clean?
“Hi, this is Erin calling back from BCCF…we’d like to offer you a job on the Invertebrates at Risk crew…”
Picture a worm inching along a precipice – very risky indeed.

Ever wonder what happens when a Cuban, Kamloopsian, Rwandan and a Vancouverite take Mambo lessons on a holiday Monday?
Not enough to stop fantasies of pushing him down the stairs
of running her over.
An email about the terrible contradiction between love and hate.
Another reactive angry state.
…Let’s change our minds about the house again, shall we?

It may have all started with a walk of shame – guilty white leather and the zebra pumps, broad daylight, busted.
It may have had something to do with the chainsaw at the end of the pruning pole.
It was a hell of a moon, and a hell of a moon more to come…

Quit your ramblin’, quit your gamblin’
Quit stayin’ out late at night
Stay close by your wife and family, stay close by the fireside light.
Irene goodnight Irene, Irene goodnight
Goodnight Irene, goodnight Irene, I’ll see you in my dreams…